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The Bondage of Disappointment


Like many people, I often struggle with disappointment, so I try hard to do what is asked or expected of me to avoid being a disappointment to others, both personally and professionally. I’ve learned however, that while it seems admirable, my desire (sometimes obsession) to meet or exceed the world’s expectations of me is not only exhausting but also makes me create unrealistic expectations of myself. This has created a cycle of disappointment even within myself that leads me to beat myself up, time and time again, limiting my capacity to give my best in the areas that I should be focused on. Maybe that’s the root cause of perfectionism and possibly procrastination too, which I’ve also struggled with more often than I care to admit. So much so that depending on the THING that I’m supposed to do, I may make an excuse not to try or I may do it, simply going through the motions to say that I did it, but with little confidence that it will meet the need or expectation of whatever the THING is supposed to accomplish. Does that sound vaguely familiar to anyone, or is it just me? Well assuming it’s only for me, I decided to break down the experiences, patterns and assumptions that have led me to this painful cycle of dysfunction, so humor me.


Here’s what I know. My parents separated when I was very young. I don’t even have memories of ever living in the same house with my father. My mother worked very hard to make sure I had everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted, without much help financially, physically, or emotionally from him. However, as a “Daddyless Daughter”, I developed a desperate need/desire to have a relationship with him that looking back now, he just couldn’t give to me. While it’s appropriate to want a relationship with an absent parent, there is a tendency to create a fantasy-based relationship that is impossible to achieve. I have forgiven him for the failures that his brokenness caused, however the overarching belief system that I created my reality around was that I could depend on him to be absent, silent, and financially undependable except for Christmas and birthday gifts. I also grew to expect him to be annoyed by anything that I said that reminded him of my mother, which in itself, taught me not to ask for what I needed. While he didn’t show me appropriate love when he was with me, he would tell everyone else how proud he was of me, which was very confusing.


I recently completed a bible study that dug deep into the benefits of obedience in your relationship with God. Having always been somewhat of a shamelessly rebellious person, the word “obedience” felt like a curse word to me. I mean don’t the ones who live on the edge and break some rules have more fun? That’s what I thought until the life consequences of those actions/decisions caught up with me, with much longer effects than the impulsive fun I had in the moment. What does this have to do with disappointment? It has EVERYTHING to do with it, so bear with me.


It is God’s desire to have a real tangible, personal relationship with each one of us. That is a relationship like you have with a parent, a spouse, your children, etc. that is so real that you can talk to Him and rely on Him daily as if He was someone that is sitting right next to you at the breakfast table. It’s not the practice of religion, although many people confuse the two, which is why so many people are turned off by religion in general. Yet, since our foundational relationships that teach us how to love, trust and be in relationship with others begins with how we experience our parents and caregivers, as babies and young children, it makes sense that as we get older, we base our perception and ability to trust and be in relationship with God on how we perceive our parents. In my case, the holes in the relationship with my father limited my capacity to experience God in many critical ways. Just as psychologists say that you grow up to marry people that remind you of your mother or your father because they are your first love, it is the same concept with God. That can be good or pose a host of challenges, making it more difficult to have healthy adult relationships among other things.


All of this to say that my fractured relationship with my earthly father taught me to expect to be disappointed and that if something good were to happen, it’s a great surprise that rolls around once a year like Santa Claus. That is the limiting belief that has informed my experiences and relationships for most of my adult life. It not only taught me that men couldn’t be trusted to be faithful or providers of safety or financial security, but it also taught me to learn to do everything for myself, because if I wanted it done right and/or when I needed it, I could only rely on me, myself, and I. I’m sure you can imagine how that negatively impacted my romantic relationships as well as overextending myself as a mother to be everything for everyone, which isn’t healthy.


The unfortunate and painful reality is that this mindset made me become someone who was impatient, bossy, and so independent that I couldn't ask for help and trust that the need would be provided or that I’d be comfortable with the timetable and/or the outcome. I’m much better than I used to be, but I am still a work in progress. As for my relationship with God, it created a barrier that I still fight to breakthrough to be able to ask for what I need and trust that He loves me enough to provide my every need and the desires of my heart. He will also block the things that are not His best for me, including allowing me to live with the consequences of self-imposed missteps, which brings me back to ta-da… DISAPPOINTMENT!


I never knew that disappointment is directly related to obedience. Everyone may not be a parent, but we’ve all been a child, so I’ll explain it that way. Remember when you were little, and your mother or father told you repeatedly not to jump on the couch or run through the house? Did you do it anyway? Then what happened? You can likely touch the scar that you still have from either hitting your head on the coffee table or ran into something with a sharp edge. They weren’t telling you not to run or jump to be mean, they were telling you that because they knew what was best for you and they loved you enough to want to protect you from things you did not know. But that’s something that we often must learn the hard way and sometimes we never fully learn. It’s the same with God. If we don’t trust that He loves us so much that he doesn’t want us to get hurt and He wants to give His best to us, when the time is right, then we will live a life in a perpetual cycle of disappointment when things don’t turn out how and when we want them to. Here is a beautifully painful example of how that played out in my life recently.


After my separation, I knew that the next chapter in my life would be relocating to Charlotte, North Carolina to serve in ministry. During the months in quarantine, I began looking for homes in the area that I wanted to live in. I wanted to be close to the group of women that I’d be working with, and I knew I wanted to live on the water. My children and I have had a long tradition of making vision boards on New Year’s Day each year, so when I found the perfect location and a new development that was affordable for me to maintain on my own, I cut out pictures and pasted exactly what I wanted on my board. I called the agent, we made a few trips down to look at home sites and to choose finishes for the new build and everything seemed great. Then they suddenly stopped building and didn’t release the lot that I had hoped to build on in the timeframe that I anticipated would be ideal for me to move. I checked with the agent every month. Then months turned into a year and there was no release date in site. Meanwhile, my youngest son’s senior year of high school was quickly approaching, and I had decided that if virtual school was going to continue that there shouldn’t be a problem moving in the fall instead of in the late spring/summer of the following year, and we only needed to stay in Virginia full time until football season ended. We discussed it and he appeared to agree with that plan.


At the end of August, I reached out to the agent for my usual follow up and he mentioned to me that the same model that I wanted had just finished construction and was on the market to sell immediately and he suggested that I contact the office about pursuing that option. It was the same house but the next street over and it was still a lake front lot with fewer obstacles to have access to the water than the lot I was planning to buy. Perfect, that’s it! This had to be my dream come true. I don’t have to wait any longer, I thought. The agent selling that property was a doll, her name was Angie. She did a walkthrough with me via FaceTime, and it was exactly what I wanted to do in the new build, with some extras for a lower price. The stars had aligned so THIS MUST BE GOD, right?


We had finally made some progress in the divorce settlement negotiations so I put my heart on the line and called my ex to ask for his support to sell the house immediately instead of waiting until our son graduated the next summer, so I wouldn’t miss out on this opportunity. There was someone else interested in buying the house, but Angie gave me the first right of refusal, so I had a very short period to give an answer and sign the contract. After thinking about it overnight, he agreed, however, that “Yes” came with conditions that would cheat me out of my equal share to our marital assets. At the time I thought it was worth it, so I verbally agreed without fully investigating or understanding what he was expecting. Thank goodness for attorneys that saved me from myself in that regard, but back to the story.


This meant that per the terms of the contract, which did NOT include a contingency for the sale of my home, I had 60 days to sell my house and be ready to close. I needed the money from the sale of the marital home to close on my new home. I had the money in the bank for the $15,000 earnest money deposit and 60 days to sell in this super-hot market. What could possibly go wrong? So, I pulled the trigger and began the rush to the finish line. I lined up an agent to list and sell our house. With the help of my son and his friends, and a relative who had connections to do minor repairs around the house, in less than 10 days the house was on the market. It was exhausting both physically and emotionally. My son and I both cried through the process, not because we were cleaning and packing up, but because our life of memories as a family were being packed up, divided, sold, or donated. In my desperation to get my happy ending, I encouraged him as we pushed through. We had open houses, and last-minute appointments to show the house, you know the drill. The house had to stay clean all the time and it was a lot of pressure. If I hadn’t already felt homeless before with the every-other-week custodial living arrangement, I really felt it then, but I kept my eye on the prize, which was a home to call my own in the city that I knew I was called to serve.


However, day after day, week after week, I experienced disappointment after disappointment. We set a record. It turned out that we were the only house in our area that hadn’t sold the first weekend it hit the market. Our agent suggested to paint this, lower the price on that, etc. but it didn't feel right. As my own closing date quickly approached, I grew more and more weary. Once I was within the 30 day period for my own closing deadline, I heard from God loud and clear! "When this home sells, it is going to be 100% clear that no one else gets the credit but ME!" At that point it was my job to surrender and trust HIM through this process whatever that looked like. I’m not going to lie; I didn’t do that with much grace. I cried, screamed, cursed, and blamed everything and everyone for the house not selling on time. Then my ex decided to pull the house from the market and wait until the spring to list it again to ensure that we got what it was worth. He wasn't wrong and since it required both of our permission to sell, I had no choice but to let it go. I was devastated. Not only would I lose that house (which seemed to be my last opportunity in that neighborhood) but I would also lose the $15,000 EMD, and the moving company deposit among other things. That was the biggest financial blow that I had experienced in my life.


Then my youngest son confessed that he really wasn’t ready to leave, and he didn’t have the heart to tell me that he changed his mind after the plan was in motion. He made the decision to go along with the plan because he didn’t want to disappoint me, and I didn’t notice  that it was hurting him. I knew then that there was no recovering from this, but my child’s needs had to be more important that what I wanted, so I let it go and grieved the many losses over the next month. I expected to be living with my mother indefinitely until I saved up enough to start over. Did I mention that I had also resigned from my full-time position at work and had already hired and began training my replacement and was planning to find a new job in Charlotte once I moved? Yep, I did that too, so I had until March 1st, 2021, to find a new full-time job and close on a house that I didn’t have a deposit for anymore. I hope you’re feeling my pain!!!


Thanksgiving rolled around and I thought I had let it all go. I knew God blocked it for a reason but was not yet aware of the full extend of why. But with the disappointment chip on my shoulder, I chalked it up to yet another thing that I couldn’t have and that “I must not have deserved it, or God must not love me enough to…”, just as I always said to myself when my father didn’t show up for me or give me what I needed as a child. Throughout the next few months God had challenged me to give money sacrificially to strangers whether they appeared to be in need or not, to test my level of obedience and I did. The limited money that I had left was being given away in BIG CHUNKS, but He brought me back to a more sincere heart of gratitude through those experiences. I learned that giving in obedience (whether my time, talent or money) when I didn’t know the outcome was so fulfilling for me, that I made a new commitment to live in obedience, whatever the cost. I soon stopped the pity party and the blame game and decided to wait on God. In a conversation with my pastor, she asked me had I prayed about the decision to buy that house before I pulled the trigger? Huh, why did I have to do that? I knew what I wanted, I had the means, why did I need to pray about it? She said, “well I guess that was a costly lesson, but I sense that you had to have that experience to learn what you know now.” So, I finally fully surrendered and accepted that the loss was of my own doing.


Then something happened, the house had been off the market for more than a month, and someone contacted our agent and asked to buy. The buyer was an agent herself, so she was willing to cut the commission percentage to get the numbers to what we needed to be a win/win. We would close the day after Christmas, and she’d allow us to rent back until the end of January so we could wait until after the holidays to pack up and move out. Both boys were home, so we had time to have one last holiday in that home and say goodbye to what was the James’s as we knew it. Within a few days of the closing date my ex decided he was ready to sign with all the terms that I requested, and I didn’t have to sell my soul to the devil to do it. Within a 3-day period, the house was sold, my divorce papers were signed, and I had the money in the bank to pay off EVERY DEBT I HAD. That was an act of obedience too and I went into 2021 not owing a penny to anyone. Although it was much less than I had hoped, I had money in the bank. It wasn’t what I thought the end of 2020 would look like, but it felt good to have a clean slate after the year from hell.


Little did I know that God would use my obedience, to bless me. Just 26 days later, I received the email from the court that my divorce was final and within 48 hours of that, Angie the Lennar agent texted me and said that she just received word that my exact house was getting prepped to go on the market. Who does that? The house was only one year old. However, I was afraid to hope after all that I had lost. I shared the news with my pastor, and she said, “if it came to you unsolicited it could be THE ONE”. This time I prayed as I proceeded with caution and contacted the seller’s agent and asked about buying before it went on the market. She responded immediately and without a fuss, they agreed to sell to me but I needed to see it in person to make sure it was what I wanted before signing anything.


The next day my mother and I jumped in the car and drove to Charlotte. We met for the walkthrough with my pastor and aunt that already lived in the area, and it was AMAZING! When we pulled up, it was a house on a hill. She had already fenced in the backyard for my dog, it was one of the best lake-front lots in the whole neighborhood. She cleared the trees to improve the view of the lake, installed all the ceiling fans and upgraded light fixtures, as well as bought all the appliances. That was all money that I wouldn't have had to spend had I started from scratch. There was nothing for me to do but move in. We took pictures and videos and I already felt like it was home.


Overwhelmed with emotion, I left a check for the deposit with the agent and she agreed to start the paperwork. Before we left, when I had a moment alone, I stood at the top of the hill by the front door looking out in front of me. I found myself looking down on the house that I lost just three months prior. I was in tears as I asked, “God, why a house on a hill where I have to look at that other house everyday?” He simply answered, “So you will always be reminded that what I have for you is always better than what you want for yourself!” The tears continued to flow as I learned an extremely important lesson.


The process was easy, and I closed on February 26th, 2021, just three days before my job status changed. God gave me my dream home that is EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL I COULD EVER ASK OR THINK. Ephesians 3:20. I rented back to the seller for a few months since she wasn’t expecting to sell so quickly, and it gave me time to get my son graduated and off to college with no disruption. Oh yeah, and they covered my closing costs for saving them money in prepping and listing publicly so I got back the money that I lost on the first house! Yep, God restores!


God told me that this home was a gift to me and that I would use it to host people in need of respite and that they would experience His presence here and it has already proven to do just that. Every day when I walk out front, I am reminded of what He told me, and I am grateful for the journey, including the disappointments that I experienced to teach me these very important lessons. God won't bless a mess and He gives us things that are purposeful for His glory. I had to tie up all the loose ends prior to rece this blessing. I also learned that if it's a rush, it's usually NOT GOD!


I am writing this post sitting on my screened porch with my dog looking out onto Lake Wylie. THIS IS HOW I KNOW THAT OBEDIENCE OR THE LACK THEREOF, IS DIRECTLY RELATED TO MANY OF THE DISAPPOINTMENTS THAT WE EXPERIENCE IN LIFE!


What are you saying Kim, with this super long post? Consider the possibility that the disappointments that you experience are birthed from your inability to trust that God’s timing and his outcomes are always best and that your decision/actions and sometimes the motives behind your desires are just not in your best interest. It is so much better to let them go and let yourself be led to the right thing in the right time, by the ONE who is the giver of ALL THINGS!


P.S. The rewards to your obedience in the little things that you think are insignificant, as well as the big things show up in the form of safety from catastrophe, provision for your every need and the manifestation of your wildest dreams everyday. We just have to pay attention!


Are you willing to walk in obedience to see what God has for you?


Until next time…

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