Pillow Talk

It’s been quite a while... Since my last post, my 8-year employment relationship ended and everything that I thought would happen in starting my real estate career did not happen as I had envisioned it. In the natural, it is a scary and stressful situation. At 50 years old, I am unemployed for the first time in my adult life after taking a leap of faith to change careers. I am alone in a new state, in a home that needs to be provided for with two kids in college. My car is becoming less reliable due to an oil consumption issue and every job that I’ve applied to is between 45 minutes to an hour (each way). I could keep going but you get the gist.

If you read my last post, you can imagine that the reality I’m facing has tempted that little girl many times in the past 4 weeks to prop that suitcase back in front of the door, but here lays the dilemma. Does acknowledging the facts of my circumstances and my feelings about them negate my faith that God will take care of me, knowing it looks nothing like what I thought it would? Is the next opportunity being delayed because of a backslide in my faith? I don’t know, but in the downtime, I’ve found myself overanalyzing everything. My every move, my every word spoken picked apart in search of the THING I must be doing wrong to keep me in this holding pattern.

However, also in this time, I stepped up to help someone who lost their home, I hosted Easter dinner for my son and 8 of his friends and some neighbor/friends. I’m completing my post licensing work a year ahead of schedule. I got to attend my oldest son’s spring football game. I took a class on identifying sex trafficking to help with the girl’s home project, and I attended Bishop Jake’s International Leadership Summit. In coming weeks, I’m taking the South Carolina Real Estate Exam and it is highly likely that I will get to have a full week of quality time with both boys before one leaves for his study abroad trip and the other starts summer classes and football training. None of which I would have been able to do had I started working right away. So for that reason alone, I am grateful that God’s timing is not my timing.

More importantly, I noticed that I have been waking up in the middle of the night or laying in the bed early in the morning just thinking and talking to God. I admit, I have probably been doing more talking than listening because I’ve been in my feelings, but it’s been quiet time with Him, none the less. Last week in my bible study we were challenged to ask God, what are we holding back from Him? Immediately my answer was “intimacy”. So for the past week I have pondered that concept. One would think that my understanding of intimacy would be easy, but when you've been sexually violated as a child, defining genuine intimacy is complicated because that type of trauma tricks you to believe that sex IS the creation of intimacy, rather than the physical expression of emotional intimacy.

What does intimacy with God look like? I read the bible, I do my daily devotionals, I pray, I journal, and I’m trying my best to be obedient to His directions. I quickly realized that as my outward stuff was beating me in the head, I started to separate myself emotionally from God even though I was DOING the right things. But instead I was just checking the boxes. For a moment I stopped dreaming, I didn’t want to hope for anything to set myself up to be disappointed again.

However, over the past few days, things have started to turn back in the right direction. I asked God to give me an example of what spiritual intimacy looked like so I can go there with Him. He said “pillow talk”. Hmmm, so I googled it. The first definition that popped up was the Urban Dictionary and it states:

Pillow Talk - It’s intimate talk with your romantic partner in bed. It is usually at this moment where all personal thoughts, desires and troubles are revealed in a candid tone, being completely transparent to your partner. No pretense, just you being you.

Brene' Brown says intimacy is "In to Me See", the ability to let someone see ALL OF YOU, flaws and all, your shame and your pain.

Then I finally heard God more clearly. He said, “I am giving you time to heal. There were emotional hurts from your last job that you can’t take into your next. I heard your cries about missing out on time with your family to move into a field that has limited time off. I’m giving you opportunities to demonstrate what you’ve learned about serving others in ministry before I put you in positions of real ministry responsibilities. I’m giving you the opportunity to practice healthy boundaries, so you don’t start something new, overextending yourself to the point of depletion. I’m giving you time to develop a hunger for connection with me so when things do get busy, I’m not the first thing you push off to the side. You’re going to need me every step of the way because where we’re going is BIGGER THAN YOU THINK!”

He made it clear to me that this delay is for my benefit, not punishment for what I haven’t done. It has however been testing my patience and level of trust. I finally allowed myself to cry. He said, “You can tell me anything. You don’t have to hold any feelings back from me, I can handle it!” So now I am clear. My time laying in bed early in the morning just thinking/praying is pillow talk with God. When I’m outside in the beautiful weather, enjoying the peacefulness of the water surrounding me, acknowledging who created it and let me live here to enjoy it, that’s pillow talk. When I’m faithful to seek him by reading His word and engaging in conversations to learn more about his heart and his love for me, that is pillow talk. Putting my own issues/needs aside to help someone else who’s needs are greater is pillow talk. Singing my favorite praise and worship songs whether at home or in the car is all part of our pillow talk, I just didn’t notice it!

So what's the point? Although God already knows everything about you, your willingness to be 100% authentic and TRUST that He is not disappointed by your raw emotions creates intimacy. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of being loved. He's knocking at the door, you just have to let Him in!

Until next time…