MS. WORRY

Although I am still in between jobs, I’ve been blessed to be able to spend the last week with my two sons before they are off on their individual summer adventures. Among the many things that we did together, we binge watched a show called “Ted Lasso”. Season 1 was very light and funny, but the second season dug into Ted’s struggle with anxiety, which triggered something in me that I’ve obviously pressed down for a long time.

I know that I tend to worry but I never thought that it was considered excessive until I observed how it manifested in this character. So, for the past two weeks, I have been reflective and more observant of my reactions and its impact on my health and how I interact with others.

For example, we took an impromptu road trip to visit some friends in South Carolina and my youngest son wanted to drive. No big deal, he is a good driver. However, both boys were in the front, and I was sitting in the back behind the driver’s seat. Sidebar: we had already been in discussions about whether to allow him to take one of my cars back to college for a few weeks this summer, so I was already in risk assessment mode. So, as we were riding along, listening to music, having a good time, I glanced at the speedometer. He wasn’t speeding MUCH, honestly not more than I would have but cross referencing my thoughts about him having a car at school, my mind quickly spiraled to danger. I know it sounds silly but stay with me.

Although I didn’t say anything to him in the moment, I became physically agitated and suddenly fixated on the speed. Probably an hour had passed and by then I was a ball of stress. We approached the exit for our destination and while the highway speed limit was 70 mph, the exit ramp speed limit was 45 mph. As soon as I saw the sign and what felt like a sharp curve on the exit ramp, I yelled for him to slow down because it didn’t feel like he began to break quickly enough. In my mind, it felt like a life-or-death moment, but as soon as I reacted, I noticed the looks on both of their faces, which will likely stay with me for a long time.

Obviously, everything was fine, but I WAS NOT! When we returned home the next day and we continued to watch the show and I listened intently to Ted’s conversations with his therapist. I realized the extent of the impact that both my childhood trauma and honestly still the trauma related to being black in America still have on me. That was hard to say out loud to them and even harder to say to you, but in that moment, I paused the show and told the boys that I think I have “panic attacks”.

I shared with them my reflection of what happened in the car and my youngest son said that I scared him because I hit the back of his seat when I yelled and if anything, that would have caused him to have an accident. I don’t even remember doing that, which made me sad and concerned about what other things I may do that I’m not fully aware of in stressful situations.

Further analyzing what triggered the heighted awareness in the car that day, the bottom line was the fact that I worry about my black son, having a car several hours away from home, terrified that if he makes a mistake (that most people make) that he could get pulled over by the wrong kind of cop and it could possibly end his life. I don’t want to have to worry about that while he’s doing typical college kid shenanigans that make him more vulnerable to that scenario and quite frankly, I’m pissed off that this society puts me in the position to have to have that extra concern. However, I didn’t have the words to articulate that in the moment. So, I apologized to them both for that and I’m sure the many other times in our lives that I’ve freaked out, not knowing I was having a panic attack.

Consequently, I decided to dissect my relationship with “worrying” to get healing in this area. I use that term because one article that I read explained that we develop relationships with our habits and tendencies because it serves us in some subconscious way. One of the ways that stood out to me was that some people believe that worrying shows that they care about the issues, needs and feelings of themselves and others. This struck a nerve with me because in many ways in my life I didn’t feel safe/ protected or provided for by my father or my husband.

Growing up, my mother was the sole source of my stability. She made sure I had everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted, but at her own expense, while my father would occasionally pop in and out like Santa Clause with expensive gifts to do fun stuff. I could not depend on him to provide my needs or be available to me when it mattered most, and I realize now that I have created the same dynamic for myself and my sons. In my marriage, I contributed almost equally financially, with half of his income to ensure every need was met, often making personal sacrifices to do so, while my ex-husband spent money frivolously, knowing that I wouldn’t let us go without. So long story short, I have finally connected the dots that I build up irrational anxiety around financial security and physical safety.

This may not seem too crazy to some, but when I looked up the symptoms of panic attacks, I can acknowledge that I get many of the symptoms:

• Tenseness, nervousness, restlessness

• Having a sense of impending danger or doom

• Increased heart rate

• Feeling weak or tired

• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry

• Trouble sleeping

• Nervous stomach (GI)

• Desperate need to fix potential problems before they happen

• Migraine headaches in stressful situations

I could go on, but I started looking for books, etc. that I could read to help me deal with this problem. However, for whatever reason, every book I tried to buy online the transaction wouldn’t go through and even messages that I tried to send to friends/family to talk about it, were met with a failure to send error message or they didn’t answer the phone. I took a breath to conclude that, all those failed efforts were God saying that I should only be coming to Him with this matter. So, I did!

I spent some time looking for scriptures that spoke about anxiety and worry and I began to journal. He reminded me that I had just watched a sermon by Bishop Jakes, entitled “Tomorrow Belongs to God”, so I went back to watch it a second time and it opened my heart to hear him speak to me.

Later that day, I took Jaxon for a walk. As soon as we turned the corner towards the main part of the road Jaxon began to pull on the leash and Holy Spirit began to speak to me.

“Jaxon dude, slow down it’s not that serious,” I said as he frantically pulled sniffing every blade of grass along the sidewalk. As we continued up the road I asked, “Okay God, what does worrying mean to you? What am I missing?” He responded, “Look at Jaxon pulling on that leash. That is me looking at you! Worrying is simply moving ahead of my direction and timing because you’re afraid that I won’t take care of you and protect you.” “Ugh… really? This is what I look like?” “Yep!” He replied.

The rest of the walk was very quiet. The more I watched Jaxon’s behavior the more I noticed that his anxiety is like mine. He doesn’t enjoy casual walks; he always sniffs the grass finding the perfect spot to poop or looking out for trouble. As do I, always trying to stay one step ahead of doom and gloom to protect myself and my children from similar anxiety and heartache that I’ve experienced. Sheesh!!!!

I’m a mess and I really don’t want to talk about it, but here I am. Lord knows I want to be free of all the stress that I bring onto myself with the excessive worrying, but my reality is that I am still putting God in the same box as my father and my ex-husband. Thankfully, I know Rome wasn’t built in a day so for now, I’m holding onto these passages.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

I know that God has provided for us and protected us from dangers that we’ve put ourselves in intentionally and unintentionally, so I know that if I lay my concerns at his feet, he will take care of us. So, as I’m going through each day trying to squash the automatic negative thoughts about what’s to come, I wake up saying “tomorrow belongs to God” and I’m trying to not look too far ahead and wait for His lead.

My youngest is back at school, with the car. My oldest boards his flight to Africa in 4 days, I still don’t have a job and Jaxon is still tugging on the leash… BUT GOD!

Until next time…