Hear No Evil... Speak No Evil

It’s been a few weeks since my last post, probably because I have been procrastinating, knowing what God wanted me to talk about. In the past month I have been on the receiving end of three separate verbal attacks that would rattle anyone’s feathers. Yet at the same time, I’ve listened to sermons and read books that have helped me navigate the broad range of emotions associated with them and it’s given me plenty of opportunities to practice responding vs. reacting.
When I asked God how He wanted me to unpack this topic, I understood that I had some deep digging to do in my own history and the consequential impacts of “word curses”. This first required me to acknowledge that there have been many times in my life that I have cut and hurt people deeply with my own harsh words. Looking back, besides my previously discussed issues with codependency, I think that since I felt silenced for so long because of the secret sexual abuse I endured for many years as a child, that I felt the only way that I could protect or defend myself was to say things to make people back off when I felt threatened and that I needed to demand respect when I felt controlled, cheated, or offended. I certainly wore my Mama Bear title as a badge of honor if anyone dared to mess with my children. While many would say that is justified, or question what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that the way of the world? I see now that having the courage to have real grownup conversations about difficult issues or articulating my needs can happen without a “snap back” or reactionary approach.
Ephesians 4:29 says Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Well, my bonus dad “Pop Pop”, whom I loved dearly was a gifted orator and I remember as a child that he used to make the pages of my writing assignments bleed with notes and corrections to teach me to be an eloquent speaker and effective writer. I totally appreciate that now, but what he was also great at was cursing you out and making you feel very small with not a single word or profanity. If you cheated him or someone he loved, there was no holding back. The more intelligent he made it sound the deeper the knife dug in the wound of his words. I witnessed that be very effective for him so learned to master that and I used to be very proud of being the same way. If someone wronged me, my mom used to say, “Oh no, did they get a Kim letter?” because I could always express myself in writing better than speaking my feelings out loud. But out of your mouth flows the issues of life, right?
Matthew 15:11 says What goes into someone’s mouth (eating with unwashed hands) does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth is from their heart and THAT is what defiles them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts – murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, and slander.
I believe that if we took the time to hear people’s pain through their words instead of quickly becoming offended by them and learn to give grace and mercy to push through difficult conversations, this so called “cancel culture” probably wouldn’t exist. However, we have learned as a society to not even listen to what people are saying, we just hear buzz words that make us mad and then wait for our turn to get our jab in. This has ultimately created a society of people that are so easily offended that we pick a side of an issue and whoever doesn’t agree is the devil. The political climate is certainly proof of that. While I don’t know how to fix that, I do know that it makes people afraid or hesitant to speak the truth in fear of being banned socially, or ex communicated by loved ones, friends, or colleagues and that should make us all sad.
Anyway, so when I promised God that my obedience was unconditional, you had to know that I would be tested. There are 7 men in my life that have abused me (sexually, verbally, emotionally). Over the years God has prompted me to address my painful experiences with each of them in different ways that gave me closure, except for one and guess what? Yep, last week God woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that I needed to reach out to him and set him free because it was a matter of life or death. Until the dream that I had that night, showing me the impact that my extension of forgiveness could have, I would have had no desire to revisit that old wound, but I immediately woke up to write him a letter that I sent via email early the next morning. I didn’t have time to overthink it, nor debate with God why I shouldn’t have to… I just did it. It felt great to hit the send button and for maybe 15 whole minutes I felt free, until he read it and called me back.
I was so hopeful that it was going to be a healthy, Godly conversation but it was the opposite. Not only did he deny the abuse. He told me I was a liar trying to benefit from making him look bad. Then he taunted me to make me say out loud what he did to me, so he could tear me down again. Of course, this is every sexual abuse victim’s nightmare, except the weapon that I had was that God told me to do this! God told me that he needed to hear this NOW! So that meant that God would protect my spirit from the words that were spoken to me afterwards and his reaction was not my responsibility. The rest was between him and God. I also realized then that God had already put this message on my heart before that happened, so I knew that there was a bigger lesson in it for me. Therefore, if the only thing that resulted from the conversation was to strip the power of the words that he spoke to me while forcing himself on me some 40+ years ago, then it was worth the effort.
While I can’t repeat the words that he spoke to me during that act on this platform, know that those 6 words that have haunted me my entire adolescent and adult life, were repeated back to him in our brief conversation and God cleansed me of the trauma associated with them. That was the reward for my obedience, and I pray that as I was released from the impact of his words that I have also been released from the words that I have spoken that have hurt others over the years.
Sidebar: If someone reading this has ever been cut by my words, I apologize.
The three big takeaways for me in all of this were:
First, I was abused for approximately 16 years of my life by various people but maybe only five specific incidents have stayed with me. Why? That is because of what they said to me while committing the act. An experience can be forgotten, but words are spoken into your spirit and if you receive it, it can define your perception of yourself, which informs your actions/decisions superseding your identity in Christ. I believe that this revelation explains how and why the hateful words of racism have kept black and brown people in bondage since the establishment of this nation.
Second, God showed me that it wasn’t him that I was fighting or resisting, it was a spirit. A spirit of oppression and a spirit of division. “Kim, that is what I want you to share with people”, God said. “You are all being tossed in the wind day after day, conversation after conversation, social media post after social media post by words, none of which have the power to control or define you, unless you allow it”. I don’t know about you but that was hard to hear because I have personally always been comfortable blaming my harsh words and reactions on the other person, aka the offender. The truth is that I’ve spent 40 something years GIVING his words and many others power over me. Ouch! I also realize that everyone is literally doing the best they can with what life has thrown at them and we all get caught in the crossfire. Don’t get me wrong, some shoot ON PURPOSE, but even they have a story that still concludes that hurting people hurt other people. Maybe instead of fighting over elections, gun laws and abortion rights, we should take the opportunity every day to practice mercy and be kind to those who aren’t kind to us.
Luke 6:28 says bless and show kindness to those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
Finally, Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK is teaching a series called Crazier Faith and one of his messages was called Faith Like a Farmer. We mostly relate the concept of seed, time, and harvest to finances. However, his message was not limited to that but explained all the ways we plant seeds. The timing of his message while going through these current challenges made me think about the seeds that we sow with our words both good and bad. Not exclusively words spoken at or about other people, but also what we speak over ourselves in the form of complaining, or out of doubt or fear. Do you ever catch yourself saying “I’m broke” or “I’m dumb”? Well STOP!
Proverbs 18:21 says the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
I’ve decided that I must be more conscious and accountable for every word that comes from my mouth and that my words must bear good fruit, not rotten fruit, not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because I want to walk in the freedom and the blessings that are promised to me through my obedience. I guess that’s why writing this was so hard, because the clock starts now with this public commitment to change.
We’ll see how it goes… Until next time…
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