Get Off the Suitcase
I am in a major transitional season. New friendships are blossoming, and some old ones are fading into the background. As a mother, I have been given many opportunities lately to practice removing my fixer hat and let them succeed or fail by doing things their own way. However, at the forefront of my list of things to process and adjust to is that my current job ends in two days, and I have yet to secure a full-time real estate position. After taking the exam four times and submitting 10 applications, I have been called for one interview thus far.
In my guardian ad litem role, I am involved in meetings to determine the best interest of the children on my caseload, and the information that I receive is often heartbreaking. I’ve learned that kids in the foster care system deal with a lot of disappointment far too often and my empathy for them recently triggered something in me that I thought I was over.
I HATE WAITING!
I’m the one who will always be on time and start fuming if someone else is late or a no show. In my so called rational adult mind, I believe that tardiness or cancelling is disrespectful and inconsiderate. However, the truth is that when I’m left waiting (especially without an explanation) it sends me back to when I was five years old, left sitting on my suitcase by the door, watching out the window for hours waiting for my daddy to come pick me up for a visit. On that day, he never showed up and not only did I cry my eyes out, but I decided that he couldn’t possibly love me if he could leave me waiting like that. I also decided that I couldn’t trust him to keep his word.
As a result, I try to counteract that trigger by convincing myself not to care whether whomever shows up or does x, y, z as to lessen the disappointment WHEN it doesn’t happen. Again, that probably sounds like a somewhat logical adult justification. Keep your standards high and your expectations low, right? However unfortunately, I have put both God and people in that box of expecting to be disappointed to try to protect myself from heartache, no matter how big or small the matter.
While I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who does this, it creates an unnecessary level of anxiety in me that causes personal suffering and I’m sure it also frustrates people that are in relationship with me. What does that look like in my day-to-day life? I ask lots of questions to verify that whatever commitment that was made will actually happen. Sheesh, I don’t know what I would do without the ability to track packages, etc. But all this does is demonstrate a lack of trust in people, processes and in God to come through for me.
Have I been deeply disappointed by people that I needed to rely on throughout my life, YES but which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did my expectation to be disappointed set up the self-fulfilling prophesy or have I been surrounded by people who aren’t very dependable? Either way, it’s time to get off my suitcase! I’m not that 5-year-old girl anymore and I get to choose to unpack that bag and choose to trust God and the people in my life, both personally and professionally.
If I knew then what I know now, my perspective may have been totally different, and I wouldn’t have spent the past 45 years still dealing with this issue. It was true that my biological father was not very dependable, but at the time I didn’t know that he struggled with addiction, and he didn’t have reliable transportation and/or housing. It could have also been God’s way of protecting me from abuse that I would end up experiencing in future years while on those weekend visits. These things I will never know, but it’s time to let it go.
There are always going to be disappointments in life, but how you frame the story that you tell yourself about it can make or break how you view the world and your relationship with God.
Clearly communicate your needs/expectations and don’t assume others share your commitment to timeliness or how to complete a task.
Extend grace and mercy. More times than not, there are valid reasons for the delay or disappointment.
Don’t take it personal. Every disappointment isn’t an act of rejection towards you.
Ask yourself if what you want is what you need before jumping to conclusions about the outcome.
Is it really that serious? Some things really aren’t that important. It can wait!
Take God out of the box! He is not a man that he should lie, and He will provide your every need. However, it must be accomplished His way and in His timing. That requires trust that He knows what’s best for you even when you don’t have all the information and patience.
More times than not, it happens just as promised, and you had no reason to worry in the first place. That’s energy that you can’t get back.
Last, how you respond can have a long term impact on the relationship. Is it worth it?
The spirit of rejection manifests itself in many ways, causing reactions that aren’t always easily identifiable. Worry, sickness, anger, and control are just a few of the ways that it has shown up in my life but it’s time to LET IT GO!
P.S. Parents, do your best to be dependable for your children. You never know how long the scars will last!
Until next time
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