Don't Shoot! Dodging the Bullets of Our Emotions

I can’t say that as a society, we were not highly emotional beings prior to 2020, but I think we all can agree that the events of 2020 brought us to our collective breaking points of fear, sadness, and downright rage.

In the spring of 2019, God released me from my 18+ year marriage. I had an overwhelming amount of support from family and friends, yet and still both my physical and mental health were continuing to be in a virtual free fall. For the next several months, I couldn’t recall a day that I had any peace. I wore the fake smile while navigating the changes that accompanied living without my kids every other week, as well as the uncertainty of my future, which made me an emotional mine field.

Thankfully, in the fall of 2019, I found a Christian Counselor that brought some much-needed clarity to my attention. “Good morning Kimberly. So why are we here?” she asked. I took a deep breath and sighed into a 40-minute monologue about how horrible my life was. The rant continued and it seemed as though I was building a compelling case for immediate conviction of all wrongdoers in my life, no questions asked.

She patiently and compassionately listened with all the appropriate, oohs and ahs until DING… I was abruptly interrupted by a timer indicating it was time for her next patient. “Wait, now what?” She responded, “Let me pray for you before you go, and I want you to come back with a goal. Why are we here? What do you want to change in your life?” With a pile of snotty tissues balled up in my clenched fist, I was escorted out of the room.

I spent the next 7 days contemplating her questions before my next visit. “Good morning Kimberly. How have you been since our last visit?” “Anger”, I blurted out. “I want to deal with my anger issues.” “Well, it sounds like you’re time in the past week has been productive. Let’s get started.” This time I knew I was on the clock both literally and figuratively, motivated to make some real progress because I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Towards the end of our conversation, she handed me a packet. It included a list of feelings and characteristics that she wanted me to read. “Read them now?” I asked. “Yes, and please circle or highlight the things that you identify with and we’ll talk about it next week,” she said.

Looking at the items on the list, she clearly knew what I was going to say before I could tell her myself. I guess the messy writing was all over the wall. “What do you know about codependency?” she asked. I fumbled my way through a shallow explanation of what I thought it meant. Then she responded, “I’d like you to consider the possibility that you are dealing with codependent tendencies and it would be great if you could read the first few chapters of “Codependency No More” before our next session.

I took the packet home and went through a six-page list of tendencies. Well Damn… the pages were bleeding with the amount of neon orange ink enveloping them. I think I may have highlighted 190 of 200-line items. “Oh Lord, here we go”, I thought. Although THIS time, instead of dropping an exorbitant number of F bombs, I turned to the ONLY one who could unravel this complicated web and release me from the chord around my neck that had kept me in a chokehold throughout most of my life. “Jesus is it ME? Am I the cause of all these problems or are the problems causing me to be this way?” I questioned. Either way, I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore.

This launched an accelerated growth period to tackle the source of my deep seeded anger, both in and out of the therapy office. “Caroline?” I asked in our next visit, “after doing this exercise and reading that book, I honestly don’t know if I know ANYONE who is NOT codependent. Now what?”

Codependency is defined as a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.

Per that list, I was literally the poster child for codependency, but how does that relate to my anger issues? Whether you are in relationship with an alcoholic, drug addict, workaholic, the disabled, mentally ill, the list goes on… over time, when you spend extended periods of time caring for, covering up and making excuses for, accepting abuse from, and then pretending it’s a non issue, makes the enabler grow extremely resentful and bitter, manifesting itself in ways that cause pain both for you and those around you. Do you see where I’m going with this?

We spent the next six weeks unraveling the complicated issues that brought me to this conclusion. Then in record time, she kicked me out of treatment as I was able to put the many negative experiences and relationships throughout my life in perspective, and I was given the tools to process my emotions in a healthier way. I learned to communicate my needs and feelings in ways that were more productive and a lot less reactive, although I’m still a work in progress.

Thank goodness for God’s perfect timing because who knew that 2020 would pile on even more *&%$ to have to process without losing my mind. For the next several months even prior to the pandemic, it felt like every week we were hearing about another shooting of an unarmed black person that continued to build a subconscious level of despair and in my codependency, I tried to shelter my kids from the pain of the world around us. We too learned to cope by pressing things down and avoided talking about current events because we needed to be able to get through the next day, but little did we know, the perfect storm was brewing.

I was dealing with the divorce, my first child away at college, my youngest child only with me every other week and dealing with the repercussions of their feelings and the frustrations of virtual school. Having come to the realization that my time in my current position was coming to an end, while leading my team at work through a pandemic, afraid and on lockdown for the foreseeable future was scary to say the least. As I did my best to console colleagues and friends who lost loved ones, I was alternating weeks in and out of my mother’s home due to the custody arrangement, leaving me feeling homeless, unsettled, and terrified that I could possibly put her more at risk of catching COVID-19. Then Ahmaud Arbery was killed, followed by Brianna Taylor and finally THE VIDEO that rocked us to our core, as we watched a man die, saying he couldn’t breathe, while crying out to his deceased mother. Lord, how much more could we take?

It was as if hearing those words spoken out loud, “I can’t breathe” with that man’s knee on his neck, finally gave me permission to acknowledge the rage that had been brewing under the surface for far too long, totally unrelated to my personal family issues, but rather because of the reality that it hurts to be a black person in America.

A few days after the incident, in a conversation within a mixed group of people, I blurted out, “Are you kidding me? When are we going to stop pretending like everything is fine when it’s not? Does anyone care about what’s going on? No one has a single word to say about all of these people that are dying?” It got silent. I burst into tears I was furious resentful that many of them were privileged to get to decide whether or not to care about what was happening when some of us couldn't escape it.

That became a turning point for me. Pandora had come out of the box and I could not put it back in, however amid my pain, God made it clear that if I was going to emote out loud, it had to be productive and lead to a resolution. It was then that I learned about righteous anger vs. unrighteous or selfish anger. Ephesians 4:26 says to be angry but do not sin. I learned that righteous anger doesn’t seek to hurt or retaliate, although we should be angry about issues like abuse, murder, oppression & injustice, however unrighteous anger is prideful and when we don’t get the outcome we want, it can become explosive, brewing, or embittered, which all lead to sin. That made this even more complicated for me, because in full transparency, I was experiencing both. While abuse, murder, injustices, and oppression were all worthy of my anger, I didn’t just want it to stop, I wanted to see people pay because for hundreds of years we’ve experienced and/or witnessed atrocities committed against black and brown people with little to no justice and we're expected to "get over it".

I knew that I couldn't stay in that place, however. I had headaches and knots in my stomach all day, every day for weeks on end. I had a short fuse and was triggered constantly by the sea of rebuttals on the news, on social media and listening to people around me justifying the actions of these police officers and vigilantes. Enough was enough, so I shut it all down. I began fasting 21 days at a time, not only with my diet, but with no TV or social media. I was only going to have conversations with real people and if the conversation couldn’t be productive, I wouldn’t engage in it. I lost some people that I thought were friends, and I build some new friendships with those who were willing to help me understand all perspectives on the issues at hand, and who would stay in the tough conversations until we were all able to find common ground. This was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I did it and I think we all grew in the process.

Although many of the circumstances have not changed. I have much more peace now. My divorce is final. My children are both in college and I’m starting this next chapter on my own, in a new state. People are still fighting over vaccinations, mask mandates and whether COVID-19 is real. Racially motivated crimes are still taking place, there is still a spirit of division and hatred between races and cultural backgrounds, and the debates continue as to whether it is appropriate to teach our children the whole truth, both in schools and in our homes. BUT GOD gave me grace, mercy, patience, and self-discipline to stay the course.

Can we stop going at each other’s throats? Whether it be through cancel culture, heated arguments and spewing insults at whole groups of people because they didn’t experience life the way we did, we're not getting better, we're still getting worse. Fighting the good fight means staying in the conversation in a respectful way that changes people’s hearts. Although changing policies are necessary to break down the systems that widely oppress groups of people, none of the things that bring us heartache are going to change unless hearts are changed and bridges to reconciliation are built, which are only possible by showing love.

I spent 3 months studying forgiveness ALONE and it has made a tremendous impact on my life and relationships. Learning that anger and resentment kills our ability to be productive, I made the commitment to do the work on myself and allow others to experience me in a more humble, calm, and transparent way and I do my best to extend the grace and mercy that I want and need for myself. If I can do it. You can too!

We ALL have to take responsibility in reconciling what's broken in our relationships, within our families and within our society as a whole. It is a SACRIFICE for the greater good, but I believe it is worth it!

Footnote: 32 of the major mental health disorders are rooted in anger. Many physical disorders are also rooted in anger. Headaches, digestion problems, constipation, insomnia, high blood pressure, skin problems, heart attack and strokes are all impacted by anger.