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About 3 weeks ago, I visited a local church. I was a few minutes late, so I discreetly made my way to a seat in the back. I sat next to a young family. As the wife was deep into praise and worship, the husband sat between she and I, holding their sleeping toddler. There was nothing seemingly out of the ordinary, however as I began to get swept away by the music, every time I reopened my eyes, I kept seeing this man and his daughter in my peripheral vision. At some point it began to feel like a distraction, but I didn’t understand why. As the service transitioned into the sermon, I had the scriptures out and was prepared to take notes, but I could not stop staring at them. I felt awkward and frustrated about not focusing on the sermon until God said, “They are the sermon!” Whew… that was a relief. Having been given permission to pay direct attention and what I observed was beautiful. This little girl had on her frilly dress, with her curly locks matted on one side of her face up against her daddy’s shoulder. She was in such a deep sleep, he was up and down, singing, talking, etc. and she didn’t notice a thing. Like I said, this isn’t unusual to see. I used to hold my kids in church all the time when they were little, but what God revealed to me in this moment was a level of safety and intimacy between and father and daughter that I have always struggled to comprehend. Because of the difficulties that I had in my relationship with my father as a child, I had not been able to experience God as a protector and comforter. That may seem absurd to many, but even to this day, I have yet to feel safe and secure in relationships with men. Neither my father nor my ex-husband provided that for me, so unfortunately God has remained in that box as well. Until THIS day… At the deepest level, I witnessed a child that had no sense of danger or anxiety about her surroundings. She could have slept through a hurricane the way she was snuggled in the firm grip of her daddy’s arms. He would adjust from time to time, as her head slid out of position, but he gently wiped the sweat from her hair, kissed her on the head and patiently gave her a moment to get resituated. “Lord, is it really that simple?” I thought. “Yes, it is”, He responded. “That is how I want you to rest in the protection of my arms. No matter what you are facing, I am holding you close to my chest, soothing you with the rhythm of my heartbeat.” “Yes, Daddy!” I responded, but I still didn’t understand why I wasn’t ready to share it in a post. Weeks passed as neglecting to complete this post nagged at me. I blamed my fatigue, still adjusting to my new work schedule. On Wednesday night I wrote the sweet, fluffy part but I put it down unable to finish and I fell asleep. The next morning, I woke up, spotting the laptop on the floor next to my bed perplexed about my writer’s block. As Jaxon and I started down the driveway for our morning walk, I finally asked out loud, “Lord, what is it that is keeping me from getting this done?” I didn’t make it to the end of the block before the memory came back into my mind of the last time I sat on my father’s lap. I had just graduated from college, and had just started dating a man, a bit older than me. That’s a whole other story, but I recall a family picnic and I brought him with me to meet everyone. It was a typical large family summer gathering with lots of drinking, music, BBQ, etc. We arrived and the first person we saw was my father. He greets me with a big hug, I introduced him to my friend and after pleasantries and introductions to everyone else in our immediate area, my father pulled me down to sit on his lap to chat as we hadn’t seen each other for several months. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when my friend and I left the cookout, he immediately accused me of having a sexually inappropriate relationship with my father. I was deeply offended and upset by his words in the moment, but 25+ years later I would remember that my father had sexually abused me as a young child. That was a deeply traumatic time for me, so I guess after making peace with that part of my life as much as I was capable of at the time, it had just come back on this walk. I cried walking up the street, and I’m still crying now as I write this post. Who wants to ever have to say that you were sexually abused as a child, and especially by your father, who is supposed to be your protector? But that’s the truth and it still hurts! “But God, why are you bringing this up again now? He’s gone and I have already forgiven him for his demons.” He responded, “Because the spirit of perversion that tainted your ability to have a trusting relationship with your father, is the reason you can’t trust me to be your protector and your source of safety!” He continued, “You can’t see yourself being held by me like you watched that little girl and her father, because you only remember yourself in your father’s arms as something that is nasty and perverted. It’s not fair and I’m deeply sorry that you had that experience, but that is not who I AM and it’s time to let that go!” “It is the root of all your anxiety! You anticipate your every move and everyone’s around you to maintain your safety, meanwhile you have carried guilt and shame about your conflicted feelings. You desperately wanted to feel loved enough to be “daddy’s little girl” through both the abandonment and the spirit of perversion that loomed over that side of your family.” That was all He said. The next step is up to me! As I continue to unpack this issue, I ask for your prayers. God, I want to trust you FULLY! I’m doing the best I can. Hopefully, as I am faced with challenges moving forward tempting me to slip back into my default mode, I now have a healthy visual in my toolkit to help me resist the urge to fix everything myself and allow God to do the heavy lifting. Matthew 11:28-30 Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOUL. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Just as God has been faithful in many other areas of my life, He showed up for me in such a simple, yet profound way to help me through this issue too. Until next time…

If you’ve been following along for the past few months, you’re aware that I made a career change. I got my real estate broker license in North Carolina & sales license in South Carolina. Outside of the challenges of learning a new industry, including federal and state laws as well as all new math concepts, the biggest shift was believing that at 50 years old, I would be hirable, starting in a new field. When God led me in this direction, it was clear that I would work in new home construction, rather than in the resale market as an independent contractor. Witnessing the highs and lows of the real estate market over the past year, confirmed why this was a wise decision for me, particularly coming from the residential remodeling industry. So, I applied to every builder in the Charlotte, NC region that had open positions. Thirteen to be exact. My last experience in applying for a job was different. The first job I applied to, I was contacted immediately and within a few weeks, I was working. That’s where I worked for the past 8 years. Prior to that I was running my non-profit organization. Needless to say it was very tempting to get in my feelings when many applications were going out, but no calls were coming in. That was humbling to say the least, but it further fueled the lie that I wasn’t a desirable applicant with the above mentioned “limitations”. When my job in Virginia ended at the end of March, I found myself in a scary position being a single, homeowner with 2 kids in college and now unemployed. BUT GOD said TRUST ME! Leading up to the end date of that position, my assumption was that God would perfectly coordinate everything, so I’d be hired and start working immediately after the other job ended, but that’s not how it played out. Out loud I was professing my trust that the right job was going to come at the right time, and all would be well, but in the background I had made an agreement to do some freelance work (just in case God didn’t show up like I had hoped). Guess what… He didn’t show up that way, instead that same weekend, I attended Bishop Jake’s International Leadership Summit, here in Charlotte. Shortly into the program, I was given a very clear instruction to CUT ALL TIES with my previous employer because God was trying to do a NEW THING and holding on to the old was blocking that progress. “But God, I have bills to pay… I’m alone now…” but He continued to ask, “Do you trust me?” Although, it took a little time for my response to shift from, “yes, but…” to simply “yes”, in the middle of the arena, I pulled out my phone and deleted everything related to my former employer. No calendar, no email, contact lists, text threads! In the few minutes it took to remove everything, I was suddenly filled with such freedom that I disregarded whatever fear would have naturally accompanied such an action. The rest of that weekend, I was filled with wisdom and encouragement to sustain me in this undetermined waiting period. The following Monday morning, I made the phone call to cut the cord and with a deep breath I uttered, “Now what?” It was at that time that God began to download to me that I was entering a season of respite. He told me that I needed time to heal from past negative work experiences and relationships and I needed to learn to rest in His power and timing, not my own. It was clear that I had no control over anything, but He also showed me the level of exhaustion that I have brought onto myself over the years by constantly trying to do everything myself. It exposed my worrying nature, which is tied to patience and trust. It exposed my tendency to be busy, believing that my value was tied to what I DO, rather than who I am. It exposed my tendency to do it all, instead of asking for help, which didn’t allow me to be open to expect and/or receive help from others, especially if it didn’t look like I had envisioned. The list goes on… Meanwhile, a month into “resting” I still couldn’t help but be concerned about the lack of interest for potential jobs. I prayed, “God I don’t need 10 job offers, I only want the one that You want for me!” I decided to complete my post licensing course work so I wouldn’t have to fit it into my work schedule later in the year and I was able to remove the provisional status from my license, making my application(s) more appealing. I found ways to serve and help others with small volunteer efforts and I read a few good books. Then approximately six weeks into my downtime, I got a call. After an initial phone interview, I was invited into the office to interview with the sales team. I was informed, if they were interested, I could be invited back to interview with the company leadership, which was very encouraging, but a much longer process than I had anticipated. The first interview was in early May and the final interview wasn’t until June 28th, but after four interviews, on June 30th, I was offered the position. In that six-week period, I can’t say I didn’t have moments of anxiety, knowing that there were no other options on the table, and I was now three months into what felt like the never-ending season of “rest”. But day by day, week by week, God continued to work in me patience, peace, trust, and confidence. In Ephesians 3:20 God promises exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask, think or imagine according to His power that is at work in you. I applied to 13 builders some large and some small, and I was hired by the best in the bunch, a top 3 national builder, voted one of the 100 best places to work. Every person that I met felt like an old friend. Every conversation flowed with a spirit of ease and there was no sense of desperation on either side. It is the right fit, the right opportunity at the right time in my life and I have never been more excited about going back to work! By the time I start, I will have been in respite for almost four months, and I haven’t missed a meal, and every bill has been paid on-time, if not early. I got to spend uninterrupted and undistracted time with my family and friends. I learned to be fully present in the moment and worry a lot less! I learned to love who I am. I learned I don’t have to be everything to everyone (most of you can take care of yourselves). I learned that most of my fear and anxiety is self-imposed and it’s time to let it go. I learned that being disciplined and practicing good stewardship financially when you think it doesn't matter, promises to provide when it matters the most. I learned to be more patient in the delays, trusting that it’s setting me up for better. I learned that often God will limit your options, so you don’t make the wrong decision. I learned to simplify my life and be comfortable saying NO. I also learned to value rest. Not just sleep, but a deep rest in my soul. Sometimes you have to turn off the TV and get off social media and be comfortable in silence. Be by yourself long enough to shift from loneliness to solitude. Talk to God as much, if not more than you talk to friends/family. He is great company and will never steer you wrong! I believe that every good seed that I’ve sown in this last season will produce a bountiful harvest in this new season of my life! #Kim2.0 Until next time…

I’m going through the “change of life” complete with hot flashes that leave the back of my head soaking wet from simple things like walking my dog around the block. I’ve been debating for a while about how to handle this as I prepare to go back to work outside of the house. It has more so become an issue since I stopped perming my hair. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but I just got lazy when no one was looking at me regularly and the next thing I knew, it was half straight and half kinky. I am probably the last woman in my family and my friend group to get off the “creamy crack”, as we jokingly refer to chemical relaxers used to straighten our hair because until recent years, “kinky” hair was socially unacceptable. However, here in Charlotte I had not been successful in finding a hair stylist that will work with black hair that is chemically processed. I watched my girlfriends through their transitions to natural hair and I’ve spent countless hours helping to braid or twist my son’s hair when they decided to let their hair grow long, but as for me… I never considered anything other than what I’ve always done but never really considered why until last week. I watched a phenomenal sermon, preached by Sarah Jakes Roberts, titled Outside the System. Although the main message is about the behavioral systems of survival that we have created to function in life, she started by explaining the dilemma that has arisen in corporate environments described as “code switching”, which is an issue mainly affecting workers from black and brown communities, where they have to change their dialect, tone of voice, the way they dress and even how they wear their hair to assimilate to the unspoken traditional Caucasian standards of professionalism. There were so many valuable takeaways in that message for people of all backgrounds, but it made me examine what systems that I have created both conscious and unconscious that limit my success. This leads me back to my hair. I have basically had the same hairstyle my entire adult life. Adding some layers and color is as exotic as it goes. I thought it was because I liked it. I also needed my hair to be at least ponytail length because I like low maintenance EVERYTHING. However, taking a deeper dive in the underlying issues, I recall the childhood hurt associated with having thick, bushy hair. There were numerous tongue lashings that occurred if I got my hair wet or sweat too much playing after having spent hours washing, drying, and straightening it with a pressing comb. In my grandmother’s house, she had 7 daughters and at least 10 granddaughters close to my age at that time, so it was an assembly line production to get hair done before church on Sundays. We’d have to lay on the kitchen counter and put our head in the sink for our hair to be washed. Then for hours you could smell the stench of burning hair and Afro Sheen hair grease from the pressing comb next to the stove. Oh, the memories. Then my white friends would innocently say stuff like, “I think your hair is neat. It stays exactly where you put it and you don’t even need hair spray.” However, in my adult life, I recall the conclusions that I drew having been in rooms during conversations analyzing applicant’s employability through assimilation, carefully choosing their words to not appear to be judging their appearance. Yet, at home submitting to the standards and restrictions placed on me regarding my hair, which included that it had to be a minimum length and be able to run your fingers through it. I can’t say how many times white friends have asked me if it’s true that black women don’t swim or hate water? Yep, it’s true because water is the enemy of black hair since it takes lots of money and/or multiple hours to get it back to the socially acceptable look, so in most cases, it just isn’t worth it. Then as crimes against young black men like Trevon Martin became more common, targeted for wearing a hoodie at night in a private neighborhood, fear allowed me to fall into the trap of insisting that my sons always had an “Even Steven” haircut and would never be seen in public with a hoodie as not to appear to be a threat in the community that we lived in. All of this to say that I now understand the systems of limitations that I’ve created to function in this world, at least regarding hair. BUT yesterday I did a thing. I got my hair braided for the summer to give me a carefree, hot flash proof hair style. There was no one to tell me what I couldn’t do, however I woke up tossing and turning the night before my appointment, terrified that the impression I’ll make at the job interview (scheduled for Monday) could be negatively impacted by my new do. It stressed me to the point that I almost cancelled my hair appointment, BUT GOD reminded me that what’s for me is for me, regardless of my hairstyle and that was yet another mindset that I needed to break free from. So, I started people watching and looking at black hair styles on TV, etc. that helped me grow my confidence to be comfortable in my appearance “outside the system”. To my surprise after I got my new hairstyle, I got nothing but compliments from people of all racial backgrounds and oddly enough, I pulled my hair into a bun to walk the dog and the weight of the added hair on my head made me walk taller, as if I were wearing a crown. I’m sure that sounds silly, but it changed me, and I’d also say it freed me in a way that a week ago I didn’t know I needed. I don’t know if I’m ALL IN on the natural hair journey, but God still never ceases to amaze me! Until next time…

Although I am still in between jobs, I’ve been blessed to be able to spend the last week with my two sons before they are off on their individual summer adventures. Among the many things that we did together, we binge watched a show called “Ted Lasso”. Season 1 was very light and funny, but the second season dug into Ted’s struggle with anxiety, which triggered something in me that I’ve obviously pressed down for a long time. I know that I tend to worry but I never thought that it was considered excessive until I observed how it manifested in this character. So, for the past two weeks, I have been reflective and more observant of my reactions and its impact on my health and how I interact with others. For example, we took an impromptu road trip to visit some friends in South Carolina and my youngest son wanted to drive. No big deal, he is a good driver. However, both boys were in the front, and I was sitting in the back behind the driver’s seat. Sidebar: we had already been in discussions about whether to allow him to take one of my cars back to college for a few weeks this summer, so I was already in risk assessment mode. So, as we were riding along, listening to music, having a good time, I glanced at the speedometer. He wasn’t speeding MUCH, honestly not more than I would have but cross referencing my thoughts about him having a car at school, my mind quickly spiraled to danger. I know it sounds silly but stay with me. Although I didn’t say anything to him in the moment, I became physically agitated and suddenly fixated on the speed. Probably an hour had passed and by then I was a ball of stress. We approached the exit for our destination and while the highway speed limit was 70 mph, the exit ramp speed limit was 45 mph. As soon as I saw the sign and what felt like a sharp curve on the exit ramp, I yelled for him to slow down because it didn’t feel like he began to break quickly enough. In my mind, it felt like a life-or-death moment, but as soon as I reacted, I noticed the looks on both of their faces, which will likely stay with me for a long time. Obviously, everything was fine, but I WAS NOT! When we returned home the next day and we continued to watch the show and I listened intently to Ted’s conversations with his therapist. I realized the extent of the impact that both my childhood trauma and honestly still the trauma related to being black in America still have on me. That was hard to say out loud to them and even harder to say to you, but in that moment, I paused the show and told the boys that I think I have “panic attacks”. I shared with them my reflection of what happened in the car and my youngest son said that I scared him because I hit the back of his seat when I yelled and if anything, that would have caused him to have an accident. I don’t even remember doing that, which made me sad and concerned about what other things I may do that I’m not fully aware of in stressful situations. Further analyzing what triggered the heighted awareness in the car that day, the bottom line was the fact that I worry about my black son, having a car several hours away from home, terrified that if he makes a mistake (that most people make) that he could get pulled over by the wrong kind of cop and it could possibly end his life. I don’t want to have to worry about that while he’s doing typical college kid shenanigans that make him more vulnerable to that scenario and quite frankly, I’m pissed off that this society puts me in the position to have to have that extra concern. However, I didn’t have the words to articulate that in the moment. So, I apologized to them both for that and I’m sure the many other times in our lives that I’ve freaked out, not knowing I was having a panic attack. Consequently, I decided to dissect my relationship with “worrying” to get healing in this area. I use that term because one article that I read explained that we develop relationships with our habits and tendencies because it serves us in some subconscious way. One of the ways that stood out to me was that some people believe that worrying shows that they care about the issues, needs and feelings of themselves and others. This struck a nerve with me because in many ways in my life I didn’t feel safe/ protected or provided for by my father or my husband. Growing up, my mother was the sole source of my stability. She made sure I had everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted, but at her own expense, while my father would occasionally pop in and out like Santa Clause with expensive gifts to do fun stuff. I could not depend on him to provide my needs or be available to me when it mattered most, and I realize now that I have created the same dynamic for myself and my sons. In my marriage, I contributed almost equally financially, with half of his income to ensure every need was met, often making personal sacrifices to do so, while my ex-husband spent money frivolously, knowing that I wouldn’t let us go without. So long story short, I have finally connected the dots that I build up irrational anxiety around financial security and physical safety. This may not seem too crazy to some, but when I looked up the symptoms of panic attacks, I can acknowledge that I get many of the symptoms: Tenseness, nervousness, restlessness Having a sense of impending danger or doom Increased heart rate Feeling weak or tired Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry Trouble sleeping Nervous stomach (GI) Desperate need to fix potential problems before they happen Migraine headaches in stressful situations I could go on, but I started looking for books, etc. that I could read to help me deal with this problem. However, for whatever reason, every book I tried to buy online the transaction wouldn’t go through and even messages that I tried to send to friends/family to talk about it, were met with a failure to send error message or they didn’t answer the phone. I took a breath to conclude that, all those failed efforts were God saying that I should only be coming to Him with this matter. So, I did! I spent some time looking for scriptures that spoke about anxiety and worry and I began to journal. He reminded me that I had just watched a sermon by Bishop Jakes, entitled “Tomorrow Belongs to God”, so I went back to watch it a second time and it opened my heart to hear him speak to me. Later that day, I took Jaxon for a walk. As soon as we turned the corner towards the main part of the road Jaxon began to pull on the leash and Holy Spirit began to speak to me. “Jaxon dude, slow down it’s not that serious,” I said as he frantically pulled sniffing every blade of grass along the sidewalk. As we continued up the road I asked, “Okay God, what does worrying mean to you? What am I missing?” He responded, “Look at Jaxon pulling on that leash. That is me looking at you! Worrying is simply moving ahead of my direction and timing because you’re afraid that I won’t take care of you and protect you.” “Ugh… really? This is what I look like?” “Yep!” He replied. The rest of the walk was very quiet. The more I watched Jaxon’s behavior the more I noticed that his anxiety is like mine. He doesn’t enjoy casual walks; he always sniffs the grass finding the perfect spot to poop or looking out for trouble. As do I, always trying to stay one step ahead of doom and gloom to protect myself and my children from similar anxiety and heartache that I’ve experienced. Sheesh!!!! I’m a mess and I really don’t want to talk about it, but here I am. Lord knows I want to be free of all the stress that I bring onto myself with the excessive worrying, but my reality is that I am still putting God in the same box as my father and my ex-husband. Thankfully, I know Rome wasn’t built in a day so for now, I’m holding onto these passages. Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? I know that God has provided for us and protected us from dangers that we’ve put ourselves in intentionally and unintentionally, so I know that if I lay my concerns at his feet, he will take care of us. So, as I’m going through each day trying to squash the automatic negative thoughts about what’s to come, I wake up saying “tomorrow belongs to God” and I’m trying to not look too far ahead and wait for His lead. My youngest is back at school, with the car. My oldest boards his flight to Africa in 4 days, I still don’t have a job and Jaxon is still tugging on the leash… BUT GOD! Until next time…

On this Mother’s Day 2022, I have been laying in bed reflecting on my life and relationships. I had the opportunity to spend a few days of uninterrupted quality time with my mother, having a different kind of appreciation for the reality that many don’t have that privilege and I should cherish every moment. On my 6-hour drive back to Charlotte yesterday, I also had time to reflect on how blessed I am to be a mother. At various times in my life, I have been lovingly and sometimes not so lovingly referred to as a Mama Bear. I admit, I probably shouldn’t have stormed up to the bus stop and yelled at the kids that were bullying by baby… LOL but I’ve grown since then. According to www.bearsmart.com bears are not mean or malicious; they are very gently and tolerant animals. Mother bears are affectionate, protective, devoted, strict, sensitive and attentive with their young. So there… to all of us Mama Bears, give yourself grace because there are seasons that call for all of these characteristics. Lately, I have been party to several conversations with mothers who are managing various seasons of their parenting journeys. Some are beaming with pride as their children reach major milestones, while others struggle through regrets, losses of relationships and/or fear for their children in their various seasons of life. No matter the story, all roads lead back to an even deeper heart of gratitude in me. I am blessed to have the relationships that I have with my mother and my sons. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that my sons are as balanced as they are despite my many flaws. I am grateful to have had a good example to have gotten more right than I did wrong. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I sometimes struggle to understand God’s unconditional love as a father because of my relationship with my earthly father, however this morning God reminded me that He too carries all the characteristics of a Mama Bear, of which I can firmly understand. He is affectionate, protective, devoted, strict, sensitive and attentive to my every need. That gives me such comfort and peace! Being a mother is NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination. It requires sacrifices that I didn’t know were possible, but it is the most awesome responsibility that I’ve ever had. I pray the seeds that I’ve sown will build a legacy of love for generations to come! For those missing their mothers today, I pray you have cherished memories to hold onto. For every mother who has lost a child, you will always be a mother worthy of celebration. For those who are struggling to feel worthy of the Mother’s Day accolades, give yourself some grace and know that every day is a great day to be better and build bridges to heal broken relationships. To every Auntie who has stood in the gap and loved the children of others as if they were your own, we love you! Last, to all the rest, be grateful and remain humble, tomorrow is not promised. Let yourselves be showered with all the love and appreciation you deserve! #ProudMamaBear Until next time…

It’s been quite a while... Since my last post, my 8-year employment relationship ended and everything that I thought would happen in starting my real estate career did not happen as I had envisioned it. In the natural, it is a scary and stressful situation. At 50 years old, I am unemployed for the first time in my adult life after taking a leap of faith to change careers. I am alone in a new state, in a home that needs to be provided for with two kids in college. My car is becoming less reliable due to an oil consumption issue and every job that I’ve applied to is between 45 minutes to an hour (each way). I could keep going but you get the gist. If you read my last post, you can imagine that the reality I’m facing has tempted that little girl many times in the past 4 weeks to prop that suitcase back in front of the door, but here lays the dilemma. Does acknowledging the facts of my circumstances and my feelings about them negate my faith that God will take care of me, knowing it looks nothing like what I thought it would? Is the next opportunity being delayed because of a backslide in my faith? I don’t know, but in the downtime, I’ve found myself overanalyzing everything. My every move, my every word spoken picked apart in search of the THING I must be doing wrong to keep me in this holding pattern. However, also in this time, I stepped up to help someone who lost their home, I hosted Easter dinner for my son and 8 of his friends and some neighbor/friends. I’m completing my post licensing work a year ahead of schedule. I got to attend my oldest son’s spring football game. I took a class on identifying sex trafficking to help with the girl’s home project, and I attended Bishop Jake’s International Leadership Summit. In coming weeks, I’m taking the South Carolina Real Estate Exam and it is highly likely that I will get to have a full week of quality time with both boys before one leaves for his study abroad trip and the other starts summer classes and football training. None of which I would have been able to do had I started working right away. So for that reason alone, I am grateful that God’s timing is not my timing. More importantly, I noticed that I have been waking up in the middle of the night or laying in the bed early in the morning just thinking and talking to God. I admit, I have probably been doing more talking than listening because I’ve been in my feelings, but it’s been quiet time with Him, none the less. Last week in my bible study we were challenged to ask God, what are we holding back from Him? Immediately my answer was “intimacy”. So for the past week I have pondered that concept. One would think that my understanding of intimacy would be easy, but when you've been sexually violated as a child, defining genuine intimacy is complicated because that type of trauma tricks you to believe that sex IS the creation of intimacy, rather than the physical expression of emotional intimacy. What does intimacy with God look like? I read the bible, I do my daily devotionals, I pray, I journal, and I’m trying my best to be obedient to His directions. I quickly realized that as my outward stuff was beating me in the head, I started to separate myself emotionally from God even though I was DOING the right things. But instead I was just checking the boxes. For a moment I stopped dreaming, I didn’t want to hope for anything to set myself up to be disappointed again. However, over the past few days, things have started to turn back in the right direction. I asked God to give me an example of what spiritual intimacy looked like so I can go there with Him. He said “pillow talk”. Hmmm, so I googled it. The first definition that popped up was the Urban Dictionary and it states: Pillow Talk - It’s intimate talk with your romantic partner in bed. It is usually at this moment where all personal thoughts, desires and troubles are revealed in a candid tone, being completely transparent to your partner. No pretense, just you being you. Brene' Brown says intimacy is "In to Me See", the ability to let someone see ALL OF YOU, flaws and all, your shame and your pain. Then I finally heard God more clearly. He said, “I am giving you time to heal. There were emotional hurts from your last job that you can’t take into your next. I heard your cries about missing out on time with your family to move into a field that has limited time off. I’m giving you opportunities to demonstrate what you’ve learned about serving others in ministry before I put you in positions of real ministry responsibilities. I’m giving you the opportunity to practice healthy boundaries, so you don’t start something new, overextending yourself to the point of depletion. I’m giving you time to develop a hunger for connection with me so when things do get busy, I’m not the first thing you push off to the side. You’re going to need me every step of the way because where we’re going is BIGGER THAN YOU THINK!” He made it clear to me that this delay is for my benefit, not punishment for what I haven’t done. It has however been testing my patience and level of trust. I finally allowed myself to cry. He said, “You can tell me anything. You don’t have to hold any feelings back from me, I can handle it!” So now I am clear. My time laying in bed early in the morning just thinking/praying is pillow talk with God. When I’m outside in the beautiful weather, enjoying the peacefulness of the water surrounding me, acknowledging who created it and let me live here to enjoy it, that’s pillow talk. When I’m faithful to seek him by reading His word and engaging in conversations to learn more about his heart and his love for me, that is pillow talk. Putting my own issues/needs aside to help someone else who’s needs are greater is pillow talk. Singing my favorite praise and worship songs whether at home or in the car is all part of our pillow talk, I just didn’t notice it! So what's the point? Although God already knows everything about you, your willingness to be 100% authentic and TRUST that He is not disappointed by your raw emotions creates intimacy. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of being loved. He's knocking at the door, you just have to let Him in! Until next time…

I am in a major transitional season. New friendships are blossoming, and some old ones are fading into the background. As a mother, I have been given many opportunities lately to practice removing my fixer hat and let them succeed or fail by doing things their own way. However, at the forefront of my list of things to process and adjust to is that my current job ends in two days, and I have yet to secure a full-time real estate position. After taking the exam four times and submitting 10 applications, I have been called for one interview thus far. In my guardian ad litem role, I am involved in meetings to determine the best interest of the children on my caseload, and the information that I receive is often heartbreaking. I’ve learned that kids in the foster care system deal with a lot of disappointment far too often and my empathy for them recently triggered something in me that I thought I was over. I HATE WAITING! I’m the one who will always be on time and start fuming if someone else is late or a no show. In my so called rational adult mind, I believe that tardiness or cancelling is disrespectful and inconsiderate. However, the truth is that when I’m left waiting (especially without an explanation) it sends me back to when I was five years old, left sitting on my suitcase by the door, watching out the window for hours waiting for my daddy to come pick me up for a visit. On that day, he never showed up and not only did I cry my eyes out, but I decided that he couldn’t possibly love me if he could leave me waiting like that. I also decided that I couldn’t trust him to keep his word. As a result, I try to counteract that trigger by convincing myself not to care whether whomever shows up or does x, y, z as to lessen the disappointment WHEN it doesn’t happen. Again, that probably sounds like a somewhat logical adult justification. Keep your standards high and your expectations low, right? However unfortunately, I have put both God and people in that box of expecting to be disappointed to try to protect myself from heartache, no matter how big or small the matter. While I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who does this, it creates an unnecessary level of anxiety in me that causes personal suffering and I’m sure it also frustrates people that are in relationship with me. What does that look like in my day-to-day life? I ask lots of questions to verify that whatever commitment that was made will actually happen. Sheesh, I don’t know what I would do without the ability to track packages, etc. But all this does is demonstrate a lack of trust in people, processes and in God to come through for me. Have I been deeply disappointed by people that I needed to rely on throughout my life, YES but which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did my expectation to be disappointed set up the self-fulfilling prophesy or have I been surrounded by people who aren’t very dependable? Either way, it’s time to get off my suitcase! I’m not that 5-year-old girl anymore and I get to choose to unpack that bag and choose to trust God and the people in my life, both personally and professionally. If I knew then what I know now, my perspective may have been totally different, and I wouldn’t have spent the past 45 years still dealing with this issue. It was true that my biological father was not very dependable, but at the time I didn’t know that he struggled with addiction, and he didn’t have reliable transportation and/or housing. It could have also been God’s way of protecting me from abuse that I would end up experiencing in future years while on those weekend visits. These things I will never know, but it’s time to let it go. There are always going to be disappointments in life, but how you frame the story that you tell yourself about it can make or break how you view the world and your relationship with God. Clearly communicate your needs/expectations and don’t assume others share your commitment to timeliness or how to complete a task. Extend grace and mercy. More times than not, there are valid reasons for the delay or disappointment. Don’t take it personal. Every disappointment isn’t an act of rejection towards you. Ask yourself if what you want is what you need before jumping to conclusions about the outcome. Is it really that serious? Some things really aren’t that important. It can wait! Take God out of the box! He is not a man that he should lie, and He will provide your every need. However, it must be accomplished His way and in His timing. That requires trust that He knows what’s best for you even when you don’t have all the information and patience. More times than not, it happens just as promised, and you had no reason to worry in the first place. That’s energy that you can’t get back. Last, how you respond can have a long term impact on the relationship. Is it worth it? The spirit of rejection manifests itself in many ways, causing reactions that aren’t always easily identifiable. Worry, sickness, anger, and control are just a few of the ways that it has shown up in my life but it’s time to LET IT GO! P.S. Parents, do your best to be dependable for your children. You never know how long the scars will last! Until next time

The past two weeks have been very humbling. After my 3rd failure on the North Carolina Real Estate Exam, I was at an emotional low. I was confident that I had passed that time, but as the blaring red letters, FAILED stared back at me on the screen it triggered a downward spiral. I mean like laying in the middle of the floor in the fetal position, personal pity party type of spiral. Yet, my friends, family and mentors would not let me stay there for long. I expressed my doubts about being able to do this yet again to my oldest son and he lovingly responded, “Well NOT with THAT Attitude”! My mom did the math comparing my pending tax refund to the cost of the testing fee to tell me about the bright side in how many more times I could afford to retake the exam. My Auntie refused to let me sit in the house and mope and my spiritual mentor reinforced that everything would happen in God’s perfect timing, not mine. Although all of that was true, at that point I didn’t want to hear any of it. I couldn’t even drown my sorrows in chocolate cake because I am still fasting! I failed the test on a Friday afternoon February 11th, but early on Saturday morning, what I thought would be a quick walk around the block for Jaxon to handle his business, turned into a spiritual adventure. My neighborhood is very hilly, and I live almost two miles from the entrance of the community. Driving through the neighborhood, I often envy the joggers, kids on their bikes, and people strolling along, thinking I could NEVER do that, due to my mobility limitations post two surgeries a few years back. Walking through the grocery store is still painful so I don’t test the limits often. However, in the year that I’ve lived here the furthest I had walked from home was to the mailbox cove, equivalent to three-city blocks from my front door just before the hill starts to get steep. On this morning, fueling my pity party with negative self-talk, I began to cross the street to approach the mailbox area (my turn around spot) when God said, “Keep walking straight!” “Hmmm, that’s different”, I thought, but I obeyed. The next thing I knew I was at the stop sign at the top of the hill, which was my absolute line in the sand, never to be crossed. At the corner, I heard “turn left”. The whole time complaining in my head, “Are you kidding? I can’t go all the way up there past the pool.” Then came the next big intersection and I was directed to turn left again, headed in the direction of the main entrance to the community. Yet in all my complaining, I hadn’t realized that I was already almost a mile away from my house and my feet were NOT hurting. When I realized that, God reminded me that in a journal entry earlier in the month he told me that when I was walking in HIS PERFECT WILL, I would not experience the physical pain that had limited me for the past several years. Low and behold, I looked up and it was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. The neighborhood was beautiful and peaceful. The passers by were super friendly and Jaxon was in heaven having a sniff fest and needing to pee on every tree and light post that we passed along the way. He’d occasionally look up at me like, “Mom, do we get to keep going?” So, we did! By this time my apple watch recognized that I was exercising and started tracking my activity. The next thing I knew, I was approaching the country club and golf course. I continued to worry, “Lord I am so far away, what will I do if I can’t make it back home?” “Just keep walking,” He directed. Then I found myself at the round about entrance to the community. I stopped to take a photo of the sign, amazed that I had made it so far and was still PAIN FREE. As we circled around to head back towards home, I began to see everything differently. God said, “the only limitations are the ones that you have placed on yourself”. Then just like that, I discovered that like the imaginary fence at the top of my street, there were many other areas of my life that I had decided what I could or couldn’t do based on some sort of fear or perceived limitation that may not have been real. That revelation made the walk home much more enjoyable. Instead of taking each step anticipating pain, like Jaxon, I decided to stop and smell the roses all along the pathway home. When I arrived home, I had walked 3.4 miles, my feet were not hurting, and I was ready to revisit the real estate materials with a different attitude. I decided to go back to the beginning and reread the first several chapters and retake each practice test. Reading the material seemed that it was all new information, which wasn’t possible because I had to pass an online test at the end of each unit before I could move on to the next. Yet, clarity to every question that I was unsure of and then some, was all right there! In hindsight, I would have likely retained the information much easier had I been in a formal classroom where I could ask questions and have actual discussions regarding the material with the instructor and my peers. However, my mentor was right, there was a reason that I didn’t pass the first three times I tried. I learned in this process that I still needed healing and deliverance from both the spirits of pride and rejection. I could dismiss and justify failing once, maybe even twice but by the third time it was embarrassing to say that I had failed yet again and that demon on my shoulder was doing its best to tell me that I wasn’t smart enough and I should just go back to what I already knew. BUT GOD used this whole experience to stretch me outside of my comfort zone, break off the self-imposed limitations and to teach me that I could no longer get by with skimming over details or skipping steps in the process to accomplish whatever goal or task that was ahead of me. There was a time in my life that charisma, confidence, and the gift of gab could grant me opportunities that I wasn’t otherwise qualified to do, but not anymore. God said, “I love you too much to lead you into a new thing and then allow you to fail because you aren’t prepared.” No more fake it until you make it! After that, I was much more at peace with the timing of everything that had already happened and I became more patient regarding the things still to come. It was also comforting to know that when something does happen, it is because I am prepared to be successful in that area. God also has quite a sense of humor, as I was later directed to look up the definition of “Palisades”, which is the name of my community. Definition - a fence of wooden stakes or iron railings forming an enclosure or defense. Really God? Needless to say, that on 2/22/22 I passed my exam, and I am a licensed broker in North Carolina. What is next, I am not sure, but He has made it clear that He alone is driving this ship and I’m just along for the ride. Until next time…

When you hear the term “Freedom Ain’t Free” you usually think of it in the context of the military fighting for our country’s freedom or even the fight against inequality and racial injustice. It represents taking a stand for the greater good in doing the right thing. Well today this “Freedom Ain’t Free” message is about the cost in achieving spiritual freedom. I don’t share this to appear to be Super Holy or Righteous in any way, but the reality is that staying in God’s perfect will to receive all that He has for me is a fight, which has come with suffering in many ways. I have been fasting since January 1st, 2022, so I am 28 days in and although I have done it before, this time has been very different. Let me explain. The first few days/weeks were about resisting my fleshly desires for the foods that I like to eat, such as meat, cookies, and pasta. However, two weeks ago, I was challenged to change my mind about what I THOUGHT this fast would accomplish (in the religious sense) and allow God to hijack the agenda. Immediately things started to change, and tests and challenges started pouring in. Around the same time, I also watched a teaching on the power of fasting and prayer by Dr. Myles Monroe. In a nutshell, the biggest Ah ha moment was when he explained that fasting (resisting your flesh) is like God pouring some Holy Ghost Draino down your pipes so that your connection to God has a clear flow between your prayers and the instructions/insight that you receive back from God. Almost immediately, that became true for me and the downloads that I have received in the past two weeks have challenged me in many ways. What do you do when you know that you know that God is telling you to say and do things that contradict the wishes, decisions and behaviors of loved ones, and colleagues? What do you do when you know that you’re being told to say things or set boundaries that will make others uncomfortable even to the point that it is likely to change or even lose those relationships? What do you do when you know that some decisions will make you lose things that you value for the sake of a promise that you have no idea the potential outcome? You pray your way through it, you do it anyway and you let the chips fall where they may! My family lost a loved one a few weeks ago and because he had lifelong struggles in his perception of God (with valid earthly reasons) he did not want a funeral. He was to be cremated and we decided to have a family zoom to simply share some stories and connect in our shared grief, with no ministry representation in the group. However, three days before the memorial, God told me to give a eulogy. Besides the fact that I’ve never done anything like that before and by no means am I a minister, I had to share that I was going to do it and insist on it, even if it wasn’t going to be well received by others in my family. I mean who goes against someone’s dying wish? I DID, because God said so! The anticipation alone made me queasy, but I had a strong clear message from God that I had to share. Thankfully, it was well received and even complimented by many but the lesson that I learned in that was that if God tells you to do it, He will prepare the hearts of the listeners to receive it. Next, I had family staying with me for the past 14 days, which I was really excited about after being alone for most of the past year because I was feeling rather lonely. God knew what my heart needed, but He also used it to teach me how to be obedient, even in an uncontrolled environment. See it would have been easier for me to fast when I didn’t need to keep the forbidden snacks in the house or cook regular meals for people who were not fasting with me. It would have been easier to sit in silence and pray regularly when others aren’t in the same room or in ear shot binge watching my favorite secular shows. It would have been easier to blame failing one part of my real estate exam on the noise distractions that accompanied my family trying to tame my obnoxious dog, while I struggled to concentrate on my virtual exam in the next room. It would have been easier not to get caught up in gossip, if I could have stayed off the phone with family, friends and colleagues that wanted to give me the blow by blow of what someone else did that upset or offended them that day. And in my darkest hour, it certainly would have been easier to ask others to pray for me, rather than to find the words to pray through my own tears when God showed me that those that I loved the most could be headed towards catastrophic consequences, but I had to stand down and honor their free will. BUT GOD… put me in a position to have to fight for my desire to walk in absolute obedience to Him over the desire not to offend others. Just in the past few days, I found my voice and I have boldly delivered some hard messages that could likely alter important relationships, but I did it anyway and IT HURTS! I even had to fight with my dog to set some new rules and boundaries to the point of him biting me to resist the disciplinary changes and that pain summarized how I’ve felt in this spiritual battle over the past 28 days. At times I’ve felt like I couldn’t breathe. At times I’ve felt nauseous. At times I’ve been afraid that I got the message wrong, and at times I’ve been afraid that walking this path will leave me very lonely, but God continues to assure me that the cost of my obedience TODAY will not only bless those that I had to share some difficult things with, but that I will reap a harvest that is greater than I can ever imagine. I’ve learned that there are no loopholes in being obedient to God, even in trying to bend the rules of fasting! I’ve learned that setting boundaries are both healthy for you and the other party, even if it’s a puppy! I’ve learned that being a parent to young adults means there is a fine line in being a friend and an advisor, but you must let them live with their own mistakes and decisions! I’ve learned that there is personal suffering in watching those that you love live with their own actions/decisions, but you’re only responsible for your own good or bad decisions! I’ve learned that you can’t trust everyone with the deep things of God and to be selective in who you share information with! I’ve learned that doing God’s will can be very unpopular, but you must trust His process! Last, I’ve learned that others cannot ride on your coattail of grace and vice versa, and that everyone must find their own relationship with God, whether it’s the easy way or the hard way! THIS freedom that I am pursuing, it most certainly is NOT FREE but it is worth it! The journey continues. Until next time…

It is 3:43am on 1/12/2022. I was awakened at 2:22am with a Word from the Lord. I grabbed my phone to document some notes so I wouldn’t forget anything when I woke up for real, but I was just told there would be no sleep until I write this post. I have shut down social media and have been fasting since the start of the New Year. My prayer focus has been on the fruit of the spirit that many don’t like to discuss… “self-control”. However, yesterday I completed a bible study plan on that topic and asked God what to do next. I received the “spirit of infirmity”. I immediately started researching it and the first thing that I read is that there are 4 major gateways for that spirit to take host in individuals. 1. Direct demonic attack 2. Unforgiveness/bitterness 3. Abuse of the physical body 4. Gluttony & poor hygiene Although some conditions are easily curable naturally or with medical intervention, most of the things that aren’t, are directly or indirectly related to this spirit. Why is it relevant to me? Although I have never been sickly per se, I have often had chronic physical aches and pains and I am desperate to see a breakthrough in this area of my life. As I prayed about this, while currently under precautionary self-quarantine, God also brought to my attention that COVID is a spirit of infirmity on our land for all the same reasons listed above. Ouch! I continued to pray over how those two pieces of information are relevant to me right now. God’s Response: Although there were periods in your life where almost all these gateways were an issue, you still have one major barrier to your healing. You’ve been praying for freedom and deliverance, here it is… and everything in your life will change once you do it! 4:06am: I, Kimberly J. James forgive the white race and God for the trauma, damage and effects of slavery and racism on my life and the lives of my ancestors, loved ones and community at large. Let me be clear. I don't believe God caused it, but He DID allow it, just like with the Israelites, so there have been times that I've questioned why and translated that to mean God must not love me/us. I know that God's intention is never to harm me and that His love is bigger than any negative experience or attitude of those that may still wish me harm or oppression. From this day forward it is their problem, not mine. I have laid it ALL at the cross! Bitterness and resentment cannot and will not reside in my heart any longer. I trust that God will hold all those who still have hatred in their hearts accountable for their thoughts, words, and actions. His grace is sufficient for me, and His justice often includes mercy, whether I like it or not. "I don't know why we were chosen to have this experience, but I do know why not and it's not because God isn't good!", said by Dr. Anita Phillips. My only responsibility is to demonstrate God’s love in the earth. Only love changes hearts! I know all of this sounds completely crazy and I’m feeling a bit nauseous, but I promised to be as raw and authentic as possible on this journey and I promised to be the change that I want to see. As hard as it is, this is what that looks like. Forgiveness is for ME and Freedom isn't Free, but it's well worth it! 4:20am: There, I said it with no clue what’s next, but I pray that I can now get some sleep! Until next time...

Apparently, I’m learning the hard way to stop saying out loud, “what I’m not going to do…” I recall many times over the years that I’ve watched relatives, friends and colleagues have children at a late age, go back to school to change careers, or trying new ways of dating and meeting people. In every instance, if I didn’t say it out loud to them, I often said to myself, thank the Lord that’s not me. I could never… Well, here I am just a few days after my 50th birthday, in a new state, away from everything I knew, single with a dog, having just completed two months of classes and studying to get my real estate broker license to “change careers”. (Sidebar: Me & Math outside of counting my money haven’t been great friends so this has NOT been easy.) Also, earlier in the summer I completed 8 weeks of training to become a Guardian Ad Litem with the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Courts, which I didn’t even know was a thing until God spoke it into my spirit just a few days prior. I knew nothing about blogging before I had to start this one. I don’t even read other people’s blogs. Now dare I say out loud… I am planning to run for a seat on the CMS School Board soon. So, what am I doing? FREAKING EVERYTHING I NEVER THOUGHT I’D DO and a whole lot that I’ve never even had the desire to do, but GOD! Have you ever heard that saying, “Want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans…” I am literally the posterchild for a complete course correction these days. So, I’ve learned to surrender and stop making big plans for myself but instead become courageous enough to not need to know all the details yet disciplined enough to go wherever God leads me. On New Year’s Eve, I watched a message from Pastor YPJ with his prophetic word for 2022. What he spoke gave me clarity about what I’ve experienced in the past two years, but I was very encouraged by all that was spoken about what’s to come in 2022 for those who have proven themselves to be faithful and pliable in this past season. “Those who submit and say YES to God will RISE & PROSPER and it’s going to happen fast!” AMEN! That really resonated with my spirit because everything that I’ve been doing is NOTHING that I could have come up with on my own and I feel like I’ve been in this vortex of accelerated growth and preparation without knowing what it’s all for. I also learned this week that 50 is the number of Jubilee, meaning the season of celebration and freedom from enslavement. Honestly, I could sit here and speculate what I think it all means for me specifically, however I’m just going to say watch and see what God is doing in me and what He’s about to do for me and through me over the next several months, starting with acing my real estate exam next week! 😊 Ephesians 3:20 Now unto Him who can do exceedingly, abundantly, above all you could ask think or imagine according to His power that is at work within you. That is all… Happy New Year! Until next time…

I haven’t written in weeks because quite honestly, I wasn’t feeling inspired. I’d love to say that I have these quick, brilliant revelations to share on a weekly basis, but I have been going through a long dark hallway lately. As much as God continues to encourage me through it all, reminding me through sermons and friends that He keeps His promises and that there are great things on the other side of these trials, the enemy has been getting some jabs and upper cuts in when and how I’ve least expected them. I tell myself that I get to have 48 hours to be in my feelings about X, Y, Z but then I need to get over it and keep moving forward. However, that is so much easier said than done? I’ve heard two seemingly conflicting messages during this period regarding the attention we give to our FEELINGS. On one hand, acknowledging your authentic feelings is the only way to heal from whatever issue you are facing. Yet, on the other hand, camping out in the space of how you FEEL can also be a distraction from where God is trying to take you. So where is the balance? Keep your eyes on the prize at the expense of your feelings, or stay in your feelings until the issue is fully resolved? I don’t have the answer and maybe it’s a combination of both, but if you know that the enemy’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy, whether it be your relationships or God’s plan for your life, it makes sense that the best weapon of defense is to stay in God’s Word to keep you focused on what’s ahead so what you KNOW will override what you FEEL. I have not been good at that lately. Among juggling many other things, I am halfway through the online course to take the real estate broker licensing exam and with my time sensitive job transition needs, I really need to have completed my licensing by the end of this month. When I look at my recent experiences from a bird’s eye perspective, it is obvious that the overwhelming number of things that have come at me lately are all distractions to completing that goal in the necessary timeframe. Yet, in my flesh, I cannot escape the overwhelming exhaustion that accompanies recent events. Those that know me, know that I ain't no punk... but I’ve had crying spells when I’m supposed to be working. My mind has been racing thinking about what I wanted to say or do in response to… So much so that while I’m studying, I read the same thing repeatedly and don’t have a clue what I just read. I've been so tired that it has paralyzed me from being productive or being able to see my way out of the latest issue. So instead, I’ve laid on the couch binge watching anything and everything that keeps me IN MY FEELINGS. Does any of that sound familiar to anyone? However, this time, instead of writing a well thought out message, I've decided to write freely through the journey and see where it leads so here it goes... For weeks I’ve been begging God for answers, and I felt like He wasn’t speaking, but perhaps it was that I just wasn’t listening because of the “distractions”. Then yesterday on my walk, I heard in my spirit, “Just Keep Swimming”! I’ve watched Finding Nemo with my kids at least 100 times and the beloved Dori has short term memory loss. Wow, as I typed that, I just got chills. He is showing me in this very moment that Dori was able to keep her joy, through feeling lost and even in seemingly dangerous situations because of the gift of “short term memory loss”. She’d sing “just keep swimming” as she wandered through the ocean (the unknown) blindly trusting that everything would turn out okay because her memory loss didn’t allow her to be distracted by the past or even current events that may have just hurt her! This is what the Lord is speaking to me as I write. “The enemy doesn’t have the power to control what you do, but he knows that I honor your free will, so he does his best to manipulate you into “doing” things that will take you outside of MY PERFECT WILL for you. The attacks are designed to keep you stuck in feelings of despair, shame, rejection, anger, etc. so that you forfeit your own blessings by being reactive and making poor decisions. Don’t be deceived! In this season develop "Devine" short term memory loss so you can stay focused on what’s ahead! You know what to do. Seek me to bring order to the chaos! Don’t stop writing when you feel stuck. That is my gift to you and how I speak when you are stuck in your feelings, demonstrated here! My grace is sufficient! It’s a marathon not a sprint! Trust Me! I love you!” Okay… well after taking a moment to wipe the tears, I am overwhelmed by HIS presence. I wish I could describe it adequately, but I promise it feels much better than the negative feelings that I’ve been stuck in lately. I was never one to journal, but I’m learning that this is what that is. A few months ago, God said to write down everything because the little things that I think are insignificant will prove to be very significant. I can’t say that I’ve been totally obedient to that directive, but I will try harder to do so now. Also, believe me when I say that I get reactive when I’m in pain and I hear, “that is JUST A DISTRACTION” by someone trying to pick me up. It feels like that totally negates the significance of my suffering, but what if the rest of that phrase is, “It’s a distraction from WHAT GOD HAS FOR YOU!” That completely changes the narrative and gives me the second, third and sometimes fourth wind that I need to just keep swimming! This may feel to you like a disorganized rant, but it just gave me great clarity, so I am grateful! I told you, you were just coming along for the ride… Thank you Lord! Until next time…